(side note: I'm actually enjoying being back on livejournal regularly. I missed the livejournal style interaction, and it's also much easier to avoid fandom wank if you want to)
I think it's primarily fandom's complete inability to chill, but I'm feeling pretty worn out as a fan right now. Whenever I manage to get my ethusiasm up, some fandom drama deflates it.
I want to enjoy this movie. I want to enjoy this fandom. But I'm exhausted. I'm fucking exhausted. I'm trying to stick to a little pocket of positive people but that's difficult.
Hopefully seeing the movie will reinvigorate my joy. Because fandom should be fun. Otherwise, what's the point?
I can't do the rage, righteous or not. I'm too tired.
I think I’m becoming disillusioned about fandom. I can’t put my finger on one specific thing or incident, but it’s been growing for a while. Maybe it’s the current online environment, maybe it’s me.
I love fandom. I love interacting with fans from all over the world, I love the sense of mutual joy and passion and creativity. I love the solidarity of being able to share your squee with others. Fandom has been a refuge for me for so long.But I’ve also witnessed some truly disgusting behaviour over the years. I’ve always hated the nastier sides of fandom and tried to avoid it. I’m not an argumentative person, I don’t thrive on drama. Even the righteous anger of tumblr discourse is destructive for me. Righteous anger does give you a high, and I feel like a lot of people on tumblr chase that high more than anything else, but for me, it's exhausting. I'm not saying the ugliness of fandom is a new thing, because it definitely isn't-- the Harry Potter heydey produced some of the nastiest fandom behaviour I have ever seen. But I do feel like the nature of social media and fandom interaction back then made wank and drama easier to avoid. In spaces like tumblr, no matter how much you want to, the wank seems almost impossible to escape.
That's not to say I'm leaving fandom. I think the positives outweigh the negatives, for the most part. I have a fannish deposition, I guess. I've become fixated on fictional worlds and characters since before I knew what fandom even was. I can't shut that part of me down.
But I just want to feel that joy again.
My feelings on Age of Ultron are "I'll reserve judgement until I see it." I've surrounded myself with lovely people in fandom and everyone else can go take a hike at this point.
Also, new Orphan Black next week! Another reason to be wary of spoilers on tumblr.
My RPF/figure skating ship is turning out to be my happy place (THEY GOT ENGAGED), which I'm not proud of but eh, I'll take what I can get.
~ I got accepted into the Masters of Teaching program and I'm now enrolled. I got accepted by two of the top universities in the country and had to choose which one I wanted. Not a bad problem to have. ;)
~ A few weeks ago I fell head first into what I guess is my first real person ship, in pairs figure skating. Specifically, Tatiana Volosozhar and Maxim Trankov. They're the 2014 Olympic gold medalists. This is a link to their 2012 Worlds performance, where they got the silver. I reconcile "zomg I'm shipping real people" with the knowledge that they are actually a couple in real life. I can't help it, they're just too adorable and talented. I don't expect anyone to follow me into this particular shipping spiral, but the video is worth watching all the same, because holy shit, they're amazing.
~ I watched the first episode of The Good Wife today and where has this show been all my life. I already have a serious crush on Kalinda.
~ THE LEGEND OF KORRA FINALE WAS GLORIOUS.
~ We had our be_compromised Secret Santa again, and I'm really pleased with how it turned out. I wrote Thursday's Child for enigma731. It was a chance for me to let out my Natasha and Fury mentorship feels, and I'm really proud of it.